Let's face the facts, there's no bigger cock block than your kids. You get married, you have kids, and your sex life as you know it is over. The good news is, you’re not alone. Want more good news? It doesn’t have to be this way!
Although the sex life you once knew might be a distant memory, it’s time for you and your partner to get creative. With a little planning and tact, you can create an even more thrilling, kinky, and exciting sex life than you had before kids.
So, grab your lube and handcuffs, and let’s talk about how to keep the spark alive in your sex life once 2 becomes 3 (or more)!
Don’t Compare Yourself to Others
Do you find yourself asking your buddies and girlfriends how many times per week they do the dirty? Some answers may surprise you. For example, some men admit to month-long dry spells while women may confess to putting out 2 to 3 times a week. One thing’s for certain -- whatever answer they give will likely make you feel bad. So, don’t ask.
But that’s not the only reason to avoid comparing yourself to other married couples. The fact is, you’re NOT another married couple. Your relationship, family dynamic, and circumstance are unique. Maybe you have three kids, one of which suffers from nightmares or bedwetting. Maybe your spouse works the night shift and is too exhausted for sex during the week. Or perhaps you had a really tough pregnancy and your hormones never quite returned to what they once were.
Marriage, in general, changes your sex life. Add kids to the mix, and it can be damn near unrecognizable. But that doesn’t mean you can’t bring it back to life. What it does mean is that you need to tap into what worked in the past for you as a couple and evaluate how your needs (and schedules) have changed. Once you stop trying to be something you’re not, you can work on creating an active, healthy sex life that fulfills both your physical and emotional desires.
Don’t Put Too Much Pressure on Yourselves
Another thing married couples are guilty of is putting way too much pressure on themselves. A healthy sex life after kids is about being realistic. Accept the fact that your life is different now. The days of spontaneous sex on the kitchen counter or in the shower are probably gone (at least for now). Yes, it’s sad. Yes, it’s unfortunate. But you need to take a moment to mourn your loss and move on!
Just because your sex life has changed doesn’t mean it’s over, it just means it’s different. Don’t fight it. Stop worrying about how much sex you’re having (or not having). Sex should be fun, playful, and intimate. Placing too much pressure on yourself or your partner to hit a weekly goal or frequency takes the fun and passion out of the equation, which is the complete opposite of what you’re trying to achieve.
Also, be realistic about the kind of sex you’re having. Trying to recreate those kinky moments of role-playing or bondage while the kids play in the other room may not end well, leaving both partners frustrated (sexually and otherwise). Instead, embrace the change. See it as a challenge. How can you and your spouse still have hot sex without interference from the kids? Yes, it can be done! It’s all about planning and being opportunistic.
Remember, It’s Okay Not to Be In the Mood
Stop beating yourself up for not being in the mood for sex! It’s okay. You’re tired. Chances are, you work. You probably have financial obligations, dinners to cook, a house to clean, laundry to fold, and the list goes on. The everyday grind can be daunting. It’s also an instant libido killer. This is especially true for women. In fact, one study showed that nearly 50% of women experience a dip in sexual desire following childbirth. (Only 43% of men felt the same).
Be kind to yourself and to your partner. Understand that mental and physical stress and exhaustion directly impact your sexual desire. Sometimes, at the end of the day, you’re just too tired for sex. This is why connecting with your partner on different levels and in more intimate ways outside of sex is so important after kids.
Connect in Different Ways
Yes, sex is awesome. It feels great and it helps you connect with your partner on many levels. But, it’s not the end-all-be-all of a healthy relationship. After kids, you have to figure out new and different ways to be intimate. A sensual massage, a quick shower together in the morning, notes left in your partner’s car, or even a cup of coffee on the porch before work can all work wonders for your relationship. Sometimes, these simple moments can bring you together on a deeper level than sex.
Don’t believe us? Consider this. Often times having sex isn’t just about physical pleasure and release. It’s actually about feeling connected and close to your partner. That’s not to discount hot, raunchy, throw down sex. That’s obviously a good time, too. But when it comes to lovemaking, it’s more about the touching, caressing, kissing, and looking into each other’s eyes. It’s about reconnecting. So, when sex isn’t possible, it’s time to find alternative ways to enjoy each other.
Stop Overthinking It
While sex after children does take some planning and creativity, avoid overthinking it. This goes hand-in-hand with not placing too much pressure on yourself. Not only is this an instant mood-killer but it also turns sex from a fun adventure into a daunting chore.
Try not to schedule your sex sessions. Choosing a date and time makes it feel more like a dentist appointment than a passionate lovemaking session. The last thing you want is for you or your partner to feel obligated to have sex. This sucks for you because you feel like a charity case and it also sucks for your other half, who feels like they’re guilting you into sex.
This is where communication comes into play. Without it, your both left assuming things and no good ever comes out of that!
Communicate and Listen
Communication is key in any relationship. We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again. But it’s also true when trying to keep the spark alive in your sex life after kids. Talk to your partner about your sexual needs, desires, fears, and hurdles. Do you feel less sexual after kids? Are you self-conscious about your post-baby body? Does your partner do something that turns you off (or on)? If you don’t talk openly and honestly about your sex life, before long, you won’t have one to talk about!
There’s no room for niceties when discussing sex after kids. Don’t beat around the bush (pun intended). Tell your partner what turns you on and what turns you off. Tell them if you had a hard day and just aren’t in the mood. On the other hand, if you saw a hot guy at the gym and now you’re horny as hell, tell him that too! You could be one honest statement away from the hottest sex you’ve had in weeks!
Another important part of communicating is listening. Men, this is mostly for you. Let’s face it, in most relationships, the woman bears the brunt of the parenting responsibilities. Children can virtually suck the life out of you. They are needy, clingy, whiney little things. By the end of the day, many women feel like an empty shell of their former selves. Don’t take it personally! Her inability to get in the mood has nothing to do with you. And the more insecure and needy you act, the less likely you are to get laid. The last thing she needs is someone else needing coddling and stroking (literally). You’re much more likely to get in her pants by showing sympathy and understanding of her hard day. Rub her shoulders or feet. Run her a hot bath. Surprise her with flowers or her favorite treat. The more you show you’re sympathetic to her daily struggles as a mom, the more open she’ll be to sex.
How to Have HOT Sex After Kids
Okay, now that we’ve laid the groundwork for how to keep the spark alive, let’s get into the nitty-gritty of how to actually have hot sex after your house is overrun by three-foot-tall cock blocks (yes, kids, we still love you).
Sexting
All the cool kids are doing it. Sexting is not reserved just for Tinder dates and horny teenagers. You and your spouse can totally engage in some hot and heavy sexting throughout the day. It’s an awesome form of foreplay and leads to plenty of sexual build-up for the night ahead. If you’re afraid you won’t be able to act on your steamy messages that night, use them as material for your own, one-handed adventures (yes, we mean masturbating). Sneak into the bathroom stall on your lunch break or take a few extra minutes in the shower. Just because you and your partner can’t be physically together doesn’t mean you can’t get off at the thought of them, which is hot in an entirely different way! Just be sure to share all the steamy details when you’re done (and maybe a few photos).
Date Nights (and car sex)
Date nights are every parents’ dream. Once kids enter the picture, relaxing dinners with a glass of wine followed by raw sex are a distant memory. But they don’t need to be. Get a babysitter and plan a romantic, fun evening with your spouse. Remember how we talked about connecting in different ways? Date nights are the perfect opportunity to get away from the chaos of everyday life and have an uninterrupted conversation and meal. If things go well, you can end the evening with a little car sex (did someone say, exhibitionist?). If time and money allow, book a hotel room for the night. That way, you can have wild, crazy, loud sex as many times as you want!
Role-playing
Sometimes, you just want to escape from reality and be the person you’ve always wanted to be. This couldn’t be more true than after having kids. Role-playing is the perfect way to keep things exciting after several years together. It also gives you the chance to be that sexy vixen or alpha male you used to be! What’s more of an escape from parenting than pretending to be a naughty nurse or schoolgirl being seduced by a strong, viral man? Trying different things is the spice of life and the bedroom!
Be an Opportunist
Sex after kids is all about being an opportunist. Are the kids sleeping late on a Saturday morning? Did your partner join you in the shower for a quick rinse off? Do you have 15 minutes to spare before the kids get home from school? If you see a window of opportunity where you and your partner are alone, jump through it! Take a long lunch break and meet somewhere for a quickie. Sometimes, you have to get creative and break from tradition. The mere fact of needing to get innovative about how, when, and where to have sex might be just what you need to make things between you and your partner hotter than ever!
Introducing kids into your world isn’t a death sentence for your sex life. Children bring unspeakable joy and happiness but yes, they can also bring interrupted sex sessions and a dip in both partners’ sexual energy. But with a little work, creativity, and lots of communication, you can still enjoy a hot, healthy sex life after kids!
April Sutphen
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